Domestic Violence is NEVER LEGAL


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Today we are following the video released by TMZ of Ray Rice cold-cocking his then-fiance. Documentation of the event has been all over the news. Ray Rice received a slap on the wrist when the story first broke, with a video showing Rice “only” dragging her out of the elevator, allowing her face to slam onto the floor. Today TMZ leaked the video from inside the elevator. Ray cold-cocked his fiance, knocking her out with a single punch, and this has made a difference.  The facts of the case — that he had knocked his fiance unconscious and dragged her out of the elevator like a piece of meat — are unchanged, but now that we’ve seen the actual punch, apparently outrage is suddenly justified.

 

Ray Rice has been terminated by the Ravens and the NFL has suspended him indefinitely. Is this enough? I think not.

 

Domestic Violence is found everywhere, at every social-economic level.  It matters not the color of the couple. There are women that you know how are victims of Domestic Violence. It could be your minister’s wife, the grad student’s girlfriend, the cop’s wife, the Senator’s wife. It can be your next door neighbor, you know the one, whose husband is so nice; he is charming and helpful. And he is an abuser. Your mailman may be beating his girlfriend. Your child’s favorite teacher could be a regular victim of vicious beatings. Beatings are often administered where clothes will cover the bruises.

 

Every nine seconds, a woman is abused. Abuse can be physical, emotional or mental; any or all of these are abuse. If you are living with slapping, punching, broken bones, head injuries, pushing, name calling, and threats to kill you, you are living with abuse. No woman “asks” to be beaten. Abusing men like to tell their victim that it is her own fault…but it isn’t.  Ever, no matter what the woman has “done” or been accused of doing, it is never her fault. Every abuser chooses to beat a woman and is responsible for his actions. I will say here that if a woman beats a man it is also a crime she is guilty of committing. 5% of men are abused but every nine seconds a woman is beaten.

 

Yes, women suffer. When I worked in Domestic Violence, one of my jobs was as a counselor. Stories told to me  included: the woman was beaten because the kids made too much noise; she was beaten because she couldn’t get the stain out of his shirt, or because dinner was late getting put on the table. Also, he doesn’t like dinner and many women have had his plate full of food smeared into her face. Yes, this is abuse.

 

When children watch this kind of behavior, they learn to be abusers and victims. Often sons carry a lot of guilt and anger for their mother because she doesn’t stop the violence. They very often go ahead and begin punching, pinching,  calling women names in high school. It frequently continues their entire lives.

 

I know of a mayor in a large city who has beaten three wives. He was an okay mayor but he was a demon to his wives. How do I know? I know because his wives came to one of the shelters I have worked with. We keep files on abusers. He was in it three times. Did he ever accept responsibility for his actions?  No, not at all. The wives were convinced not to press charges, so he was never forced to accept any consequences.

 

I did hear today, a prosecutor  stated that the law is now looking at abuse not just a women’s issue but as a crime against the community. I think this is a good thing. Why does abuse continue to be such a terrible and insidious part of life for women? Because the usual sentence is $1000 fine and 18 months in jail.

 

I am a spiritual person, but if you have been beaten, that is not God’s Will. It is a crime. There are places you can go for help. All communities have a Domestic Violence (DV) hotline. Shelters exist in most cities. Every taxi driver knows a DV shelter. Go, get help, start over. You do not deserve to live in violence. He always promises it will never happen again. It will. We had a program for counseling for the abusers. We found that a support group for the men worked best because they called each other on their lies and rationalizations.

 

If you are told that you need to forgive your abuser, to pray for him; if you are told you can’t leave because God requires you to stay in the sacred bond of marriage, you need to realize this is a lie, perpetuated by the men in power who want to keep women subservient. As a wife, you are not the property of your abuser.  He does not own you and the Divine does not want you to suffer. Leave, get into a shelter, believe in yourself, you can take care of yourself and your children.  If you think leaving will hurt your children, you will find that they will respect you much more if you protect yourself and them, and they may not end up as the abuser or the victim.

 

Anyone who says to stay in a relationship is possibly a batterer himself, or doesn’t really understand the issue or really doesn’t care about your well-being.

 

If your abuser threatens you with a weapon, even if he doesn’t use it, you need to realize that the chances are extraordinarily high that he will at some point and he will tell you it is your own fault that you are going to die.

 

I had a woman who was held at gunpoint for a solid 12 hours before the abuser fell asleep and she ran like the wolves of hell were after her. If he had awakened, he would have killed her. She made it to the shelter I worked at and we talked, cried, and held each other as she finally was able to tell her truth. I took pictures of her injuries for court and tucked her and her two children into a warm safe bed. Her face was streaked with tears, but she fell asleep immediately. I cried and prayed for her until the sun began to rise. Then I began to form her plan to go to court, to take care of her children and to take care of herself. We put her into temporary housing and helped her to find herself once again.  She got out.  You can, too

 

If you want more information go to NCADV.org. It is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and as I have done in the past, I will be writing about the issue all month.

 

Don’t ever let someone hit you. It is a crime. I will take comments and listen if anyone is in a abusive relationship. I will give you the best answer I can based on my education and experience. It would all be confidential. Praying is not enough. Praying is good, but you need human intervention and action, in addition.

 

Let  me help. Let others help.  Remember that you deserve help.

 

You deserve to live without violence.  Everyone deserves to live without violence.

 

 

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blackeye.jpg                                          There is never a reason to beat a woman, walk out, leave 

                                           don’t hit her.

 

 

 

 

End Violence in the Home

End Violence in the Home

 

You Can't Beat a Woman.

You Can’t Beat a Woman.

 

 

 

Domestic Violence Stats

Domestic Violence Stats – Cuts in Domestic Violence Support mean that more women and children will die at the hands of their abusers.

27 thoughts on “Domestic Violence is NEVER LEGAL

  1. risinghawk says:

    Amen . . .

  2. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    That was an informative post and thanks for sharing the support links. Hopefully you don’t mind the reblog! -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here, please comment on their post.

  3. John says:

    I agree that domestic violence should never be legal and that it should always carry stern consequences. But I am old enough to remember the day when it was just sort of swept under the rug and then whispered about but nothing much was ever done about it. Abuse never changes through the ages and I am glad to see that we have some better laws now than when I was an abused child – – way back when.

    • fortytwo6x7 says:

      it is still swept under the carpet, when the victim is a man. The laws are intended to solve half the problem

      • John says:

        Gee . . I never thought about it from that standpoint! It is easy to always consider domestic violence victims to be women. I am so glad you brought out the fact that men can be victims too. I wonder how many of us ever think of it? You have made a great point and I hope everyone has a chance to read it.

      • Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Far less men are abused than women.The FBI stats show a women is battered every nine seconds. This doesn’t even count the beatings that are unreported out of fear. Hugs, Barbara

      • fortytwo6x7 says:

        Thanks John, one in three victims are male. We are barred from every shelter due to our gender and have to pay for the upkeep of our abuser when we escape, leaving us homeless. I want violence against all people stopped, and the Violence Against Women and Girls act is not the way to achieve that. The studies have been showing male victims from the started doing them in the 70’s……..crazy

      • Having helped to start a Domestic Violence in the 1970’s, I will try to explain the situation. For a male who has been abused, I understand the frustration. In general, men have had more financial resources than women and children. We can’t have men in shelters for women because they are afraid. Even a police officer can make an abused woman uneasy. It has taken decades to get these shelters up and running and to fund them with the funds they need to thrive and unfortunately grow. Twenty seven years of working in DV has shown me that we have a very long way to go to end all violent relationships. Hugs, Barbara

      • fortytwo6x7 says:

        actually, you should have a read at books by Erin Pizzy, the lady who’s work you are trying to take credit for. She opened the first ever home for “battered women” in Chesic in London. There was a man in every house, very important to have a positive male role midel in the life of children that perhaps never had one. We have also been trying to get mens shelters for those same 40 years and we still tell men to go homeless, do you really thing that is a valid option ? I also question what there are no programs for violent women in the shelters when 60% are as violent or more violent than the person they left ? There is 40 years of research showing this yet the predominant cry from people involved in the multi billion dollar shelter industry is “she only hits because he made her”. This stupidity must stop and all victims musr receive the same service, that Barbra is what equality looks like. Would you consider running a peace on Hope Solo or Miss Knowls about there violent behaviour ? It would seem to me telling both sides of the story would be a start and admitting women also hit should become the norm for pages like this. If you wish I will write some of my story for you to publish ? or their are others out there that are writing from the same position as me, which is homeless. Regards, Forty

      • fortytwo6x7 says:

        by the way, 91% of my “financial resources” each month went to keep my ex abuser and her new partner the house we used to live in, and service the debt from the marriage, that is the norm, homelessness follows despite having a full time job, you have been so engrossed in the system you can no longer see straight

  4. betternotbroken says:

    I do not believe for one second that not God’s Will for you to be beaten, whether you are a man, woman or child. Excellent post, quite a foil from the others I have read where “this was all done to ‘court’ female viewers for the NFL. We have a long way to go to change the thinking that women are not punching bags. What people do not realize is these same people that beat their wives, or rather only beat their wives, also pose liabilities for businesses as they often lack a conscience and obviously have flawed judgement. So was it a business decision? Perhaps, but one I applaud.

    • Who ever commits the violence should be charged and should go to jail. There is a certain personality that an abuser develops. Only the object of his fury and fists sees the real man. The same goes with a male victim.I don’t know if this was business, but I doubt it. Abusers don’t only beat their wives, they beat their girlfriends also. Women are just property to them. Thank you for your comments. Hugs, Barbara

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  6. gillswriting says:

    So well put. Linked to the Break the silence petition and shared, keep ’em coming! You have my total respect. Happy blogging

  7. fortytwo6x7 says:

    this man should be prosecuted, of that there is no doubt and I hope he goes to jail. However, in another lift Buoyancy’s sister attacked her husband, should she not also be charged. I not you say every taxi driver knows a Domestic abuse shelter, and they wii. However that shelter will not admit male victims. Kelly Brook recently admitted punching two of her ex boyfriends, she put this in her book to help sales. At some stage people like yourself will have to stop trying to solve half the problem.

    Regards
    Forty

  8. Jackie Saulmon Ramirez says:

    There is never a good reason to hit anyone, not just women. Men in relationships are sometimes abused as well and they may feel too ashamed to seek out help.

  9. Cody Hutton says:

    Are we watching the same video here? She slapped him on the way to the elevator. Got in the elevator, BACKHANDED him and that is when he slapped back.

    He then proceeds to WALK BACKWARDS and she charges at him. Why are we blaming an obvious victim of domestic violence here when it is clear that she struck first, multiple times, and when he defended himself once and stepped away, she CHARGED him again.

    Are men just supposed to sit there and take the abuse? That is what I get from this.

  10. OnTheWay says:

    my father has always been abusive to me and the rest of my family.after his latest threats and name calling and shouting at me, i decided i am done with him because i deserve to be threated better not made to fear and cry.

    • I am sorry about the violence you are living with. You don’t deserve to live in violence. My mother abused me beginning at 3. That is the earliest I can remember. Talk to counselors at a Domestic Violence shelter in your community. Get into therapy. You will hear the old tapes of the ugliness he spewed at you while he was physically beating you. You will heal once you leave. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Hugs, Barbara

  11. Jane Thorne says:

    It’s about dollars and sport…when did we start to put money and talent before character? Violence is never ever the answer.

    • We have put money and entertainment ahead of doctors and teachers and nurses and firemen since the 1800’s. There is just a larger gap because jocks get paid horrifying amounts of money. Hugs, Barbara

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