Domestic Violence is NEVER LEGAL


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Today we are following the video released by TMZ of Ray Rice cold-cocking his then-fiance. Documentation of the event has been all over the news. Ray Rice received a slap on the wrist when the story first broke, with a video showing Rice “only” dragging her out of the elevator, allowing her face to slam onto the floor. Today TMZ leaked the video from inside the elevator. Ray cold-cocked his fiance, knocking her out with a single punch, and this has made a difference.  The facts of the case — that he had knocked his fiance unconscious and dragged her out of the elevator like a piece of meat — are unchanged, but now that we’ve seen the actual punch, apparently outrage is suddenly justified.

 

Ray Rice has been terminated by the Ravens and the NFL has suspended him indefinitely. Is this enough? I think not.

 

Domestic Violence is found everywhere, at every social-economic level.  It matters not the color of the couple. There are women that you know how are victims of Domestic Violence. It could be your minister’s wife, the grad student’s girlfriend, the cop’s wife, the Senator’s wife. It can be your next door neighbor, you know the one, whose husband is so nice; he is charming and helpful. And he is an abuser. Your mailman may be beating his girlfriend. Your child’s favorite teacher could be a regular victim of vicious beatings. Beatings are often administered where clothes will cover the bruises.

 

Every nine seconds, a woman is abused. Abuse can be physical, emotional or mental; any or all of these are abuse. If you are living with slapping, punching, broken bones, head injuries, pushing, name calling, and threats to kill you, you are living with abuse. No woman “asks” to be beaten. Abusing men like to tell their victim that it is her own fault…but it isn’t.  Ever, no matter what the woman has “done” or been accused of doing, it is never her fault. Every abuser chooses to beat a woman and is responsible for his actions. I will say here that if a woman beats a man it is also a crime she is guilty of committing. 5% of men are abused but every nine seconds a woman is beaten.

 

Yes, women suffer. When I worked in Domestic Violence, one of my jobs was as a counselor. Stories told to me  included: the woman was beaten because the kids made too much noise; she was beaten because she couldn’t get the stain out of his shirt, or because dinner was late getting put on the table. Also, he doesn’t like dinner and many women have had his plate full of food smeared into her face. Yes, this is abuse.

 

When children watch this kind of behavior, they learn to be abusers and victims. Often sons carry a lot of guilt and anger for their mother because she doesn’t stop the violence. They very often go ahead and begin punching, pinching,  calling women names in high school. It frequently continues their entire lives.

 

I know of a mayor in a large city who has beaten three wives. He was an okay mayor but he was a demon to his wives. How do I know? I know because his wives came to one of the shelters I have worked with. We keep files on abusers. He was in it three times. Did he ever accept responsibility for his actions?  No, not at all. The wives were convinced not to press charges, so he was never forced to accept any consequences.

 

I did hear today, a prosecutor  stated that the law is now looking at abuse not just a women’s issue but as a crime against the community. I think this is a good thing. Why does abuse continue to be such a terrible and insidious part of life for women? Because the usual sentence is $1000 fine and 18 months in jail.

 

I am a spiritual person, but if you have been beaten, that is not God’s Will. It is a crime. There are places you can go for help. All communities have a Domestic Violence (DV) hotline. Shelters exist in most cities. Every taxi driver knows a DV shelter. Go, get help, start over. You do not deserve to live in violence. He always promises it will never happen again. It will. We had a program for counseling for the abusers. We found that a support group for the men worked best because they called each other on their lies and rationalizations.

 

If you are told that you need to forgive your abuser, to pray for him; if you are told you can’t leave because God requires you to stay in the sacred bond of marriage, you need to realize this is a lie, perpetuated by the men in power who want to keep women subservient. As a wife, you are not the property of your abuser.  He does not own you and the Divine does not want you to suffer. Leave, get into a shelter, believe in yourself, you can take care of yourself and your children.  If you think leaving will hurt your children, you will find that they will respect you much more if you protect yourself and them, and they may not end up as the abuser or the victim.

 

Anyone who says to stay in a relationship is possibly a batterer himself, or doesn’t really understand the issue or really doesn’t care about your well-being.

 

If your abuser threatens you with a weapon, even if he doesn’t use it, you need to realize that the chances are extraordinarily high that he will at some point and he will tell you it is your own fault that you are going to die.

 

I had a woman who was held at gunpoint for a solid 12 hours before the abuser fell asleep and she ran like the wolves of hell were after her. If he had awakened, he would have killed her. She made it to the shelter I worked at and we talked, cried, and held each other as she finally was able to tell her truth. I took pictures of her injuries for court and tucked her and her two children into a warm safe bed. Her face was streaked with tears, but she fell asleep immediately. I cried and prayed for her until the sun began to rise. Then I began to form her plan to go to court, to take care of her children and to take care of herself. We put her into temporary housing and helped her to find herself once again.  She got out.  You can, too

 

If you want more information go to NCADV.org. It is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and as I have done in the past, I will be writing about the issue all month.

 

Don’t ever let someone hit you. It is a crime. I will take comments and listen if anyone is in a abusive relationship. I will give you the best answer I can based on my education and experience. It would all be confidential. Praying is not enough. Praying is good, but you need human intervention and action, in addition.

 

Let  me help. Let others help.  Remember that you deserve help.

 

You deserve to live without violence.  Everyone deserves to live without violence.

 

 

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blackeye.jpg                                          There is never a reason to beat a woman, walk out, leave 

                                           don’t hit her.

 

 

 

 

End Violence in the Home

End Violence in the Home

 

You Can't Beat a Woman.

You Can’t Beat a Woman.

 

 

 

Domestic Violence Stats

Domestic Violence Stats – Cuts in Domestic Violence Support mean that more women and children will die at the hands of their abusers.

Are You Being Abused?


End Violence in the Home

End Violence in the Home

I have found that young women have many questions about battering. They seem to lack information they need to be safe. Domestic Violence or abuse is a crime punishable by a fine and jail time. The states vary with the laws. Battering can begin at any time in a relationship. During the dating phase, after the wedding, when a woman is pregnant, or as the children grow up.

Abuse is physical, verbal or emotional. It can also be a combination of any of these. You have the right to live without fear.  Often in an abusive relationship, the abuser will begin trying to isolate the woman from friends and neighbors. He doesn’t want anyone to have influence on his woman besides him. Often he wants the women to stay home and not work. That outside contact can make controlling her more difficult. If a woman is working, she often is quiet at work. She is passive and is in the emergency room frequently. If she confides in a co-worker, she will insist that she loves and needs him. He says he loves her too. But this is not love. This is torture.

There is a cycle of violence which was identified in the seventies.

There is a cycle of violence which was identified in the seventies.

you_cant_beat_a_woman_fridge_magnet-r2f60f43b75094530ab858f2d1647231d_x7js9_8byvr_324If you can’t bring yourself to leave, then fill a go bag with items that are extremely necessary. Money, prescriptions, clothes, ID for you and the children, and what ever your children will need immediately. Hide it well. If another attack happens you will need these things to flee. If you can’t get to the go bag, just leave and go to your local shelter. Husbands do kill wives. So your safety is vital. The things he has told you about being stupid, ugly, trash, or that you want to be hit is pure BS. Don’t buy into what he says. There is nothing you can do to justify his abusing you.

National Organization of Women

National Organization of Women

The fear you live with day in and day out does not mean you deserve it or asked for it. Examples of physical abuse are: pinching, slapping,hitting, punching, burning, pushing you, twisting your arms, and you have the right to live without violence. Forced sex in a marriage is rape…spousal rape. It is also illegal. It is hard to leave because you often still love him but you need to be a good role model for your children.

Anatomy of Violence

Anatomy of Violence

Domestic Violence is learned generation after generation. Little girls learn to be victims and little boys learn to be abusers. Some boys will try to stop their fathers and will punch and kick and yell at the father to stop the violence. Even if the violence is not turned against him, he learns to disrespect women. He will statistically become an abuser.  So your children need positive role models. They need to know that you can discuss problems and work them out. Remember if your abuser kills you he may very well end up raising your children.

There is nothing wrong with you. You do not deserve to be hit, spit at, spoken to in a demeaning manner. Your city has many people who care what happens to you and your children. There is help available.

Stop the Violence

Stop the Violence

Don’t let this be you. You deserve better. If you need to go to a hospital for your injuries, tell the ER staff what really happened. They will notify the police and they will call the shelter for you. If you are being hit now, get out and you will find love again, the community will help you with housing and education. No one deserves to be beaten. It is so hard to decide about all of these things when you are being beaten frequently, but believe me you can go on to a good life. A life where you are safe and live without violence.

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Getting Out and Staying Safe


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So you have had it.  You are tired of living in fear. Last night he threatened you with a knife. His hunting knife. It felt huge when he held it up against your throat. You hate being called names such as bitch, whore and ugly. It should have been all right but your daughter called from a friend’s house and asked if she could stay  a while and study together. Your son  came home from school with an F on a test. But dinner was ready and he, your abuser, came home and was upset with his supervisor. He yelled at you when he got home. But he was calmer when you told him dinner was ready.  He tells you that there is a  party next week his boss is giving. He tells you you had better look good and not embarrass him because you are slutty and stupid.

You sat down at the table and you brought out the food. He doesn’t want cold food.  You can hear the baby crying so you get up to go and get the baby. As you walk past him to get the baby, he grabs your upper arm and it hurts. He is asking why you are leaving the table and you say because the baby is crying. Actually, he is now screaming. He gives you a shove and tells you the baby wouldn’t be crying if you weren’t such a lazy slob. Oh, where is our daughter? At a friend’s, studying. He then declares he wants you to call and get her home.  He asks your son a question as you run upstairs to grab up the baby. But from there you can hear a slap flesh upon flesh. You  are standing in the nursery listening to him screaming at your son and you are shaking with fear.

You make the call, and walk downstairs with the baby and he tells you to hurry up. You grab the high chair and slide the baby in. You give the baby a sippy cup full of milk and some mashed potatoes. As you get the beer your abuser demands, the baby pours milk into potatoes and begins finger-painting with it. Your husband screams at the child and the child begins to cry hard. He throws mashed potatoes at the center of the table.  Your son laughs because he thought it was really funny. Your husband grabs your son and begins to punch him. This has never happened before. You are surprised. Your son runs upstairs. You reach to pick up the baby and your husband reaches for you and punches you.  Your first thought is how you will cover the bruise. Then he shoves you against the room and you end up against the stove and the handle of the oven stabs you.  He stares at you, picking the baby up and putting him on the floor to toddle quickly away.  You begin to leave the room also and he grabs your hair and pulls you close to him. He slaps you across the face. And then he pushes you down into a chair and tells you to  eat the swill you made for dinner.

Tonight it feels worse and you are terrified. Then he punches your face again and a tooth cuts your lip.  He sees your fear and he thinks it is funny that he can control  you with such little effort. Your daughter quietly comes in and runs to room. Your husband picks up a bowl of steamed vegetables and throws it. The crash sounds loud. He then reaches for his plate and pushes the plate into your face and spreads it around. You are now crying and hurting and then he punches you in the stomach. You slide to the floor and he begins to kick you over and over again. You scream for him to stop and he kicks harder. Your kidneys, your stomach and your head. There is blood everywhere. Then he picks you up and begins to choke you while telling you he is thinking of killing you tonight. Your son comes down and begs your husband to stop hurting you.  Then he pounds on your husband’s back with his fists, tears sliding down his face. Your husband shakes off your son and grabs a jacket and stalks out the door.

You are crying hysterically, you are in terrible pain. Your children are all crying now. You finally think that you can’t stay because of everything he screamed at you, that he wanted to kill you, is what you know will happen. You clean up the kitchen and gently wipe little faces and your own. You look into the mirror and wonder what has happened to that pretty young girl that used to look back at you. You put the children to bed and they have cried themselves to sleep. You sit down on the couch and think about all that the hotline counselor told you. Because you have to get out, He will kill you.

The counselor told you to take your information off of the computer. You haven’t emailed anyone except to pass on a joke or a cartoon. You get up and change your username and passwords. You change the password on your secret bank account. It has your escape money. He knows nothing about it. But you know you will be raising three children alone.  You never use the house phone because a corded phone is easier to tap. The counselor told you to get a burner phone and have one hidden in the tank of the toilet. You pack up clothes and toys and medications and hide the bags in the attic. You take a shower and go to bed. At sometime during the night he comes home and you can feel the mattress sink as he gets into bed. You are pretending to be asleep. But what you are really doing is praying that he has not killed you before dawn. At some time during the night, you fall asleep. He is gone when the baby’s cries awaken you. You turn over in the bed and feel so sore and then you remember last night. You know you have to get out and stay out.

You get the children up, dressed and they are eating breakfast.  While they eat you get ready; going over the mental list the hotline counselor gave you. You begin checking things off as you do them. You know in your heart, you will get a restraining order as soon as possible. You had thought you would never do that. You had left before and gone to your mom’s but he came and brought you roses and candy. He cried. He swore to your parents it would never happen again. You know this time you won’t believe him. You call a cab and one arrives and the driver is very nice and helps the kids into the vehicle. He puts all of your bagged up possessions into the trunk. He is going to take you to the domestic violence shelter. You get into the cab and get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. The bruising is really getting bad. You wonder if your ribs are broken. But you sigh and the cab driver pulls the cab into traffic. You are starting a new life for yourself and your children. You are scared but staying is scarier. You just want to be safe.

Break the silence, protect women and children

Break the silence, protect women and children

Abuse is a Crime


This is your opportunity to stop this subjection and ownership of the female gender

This is your opportunity to stop this subjection and ownership of the female gender

This is abuse

This is abuse

Abuse is part of the War on Women. The War is extensive and harsh. Today I want to talk about abuse. Women are abused here and around the world. Children are abused here and everywhere. 5% of American men are abused.

I helped to start a Women’s shelter in the 1970’s. It was started by Jewish, Catholic and Protestant women for women and children. It was a secular grass roots project and was run with lots of hard, sweaty, frustrating work. The first shelter was a rundown house because that is all we could get. We buried a penny in the tree lawn then rolled up sleeves and got to work.

We did not have assistance from police. More police are injured during domestic calls than any other type of call.We had a huge job ahead of us. The FBI statistics told us a woman was abused every nine seconds.

So what is abuse? There is emotional, mental and physical abuse. It does not matter if you know the abuser or not. It can happen on a date or when you get pregnant. You can be killed. Many women and children have lost their lives to Domestic Violence.

Slapping, kicking, pushing, spitting, blackened eyes, broken ribs, hair pulling, throwing things around, punching anywhere, are all forms of physical abuse. It often goes hand in hand with being called foul names, told you are ugly, stupid, you could never find another man. It includes being told you are nothing without him. Domestic Violence affects women from all portions of society — the poor and the wealthy, the college graduate and the high school dropout, wives and girlfriends of criminals, professors, policemen, factory workers, any woman can be abused.  Statistics show that, whoever you are, someone you know, right now, is being abused

An abused woman and her children need to leave and go into a shelter. Addresses are confidental. Women are there to counsel, take pictures, take you to a hospital. Shelters are a safe place where you won’t be judged. You will be helped and supported. It is the most important work I have ever done.

Often women stay in an abusive situation because they have no where to go. The abuser will isolate them from family and friends. Many will not allow the woman out alone. Sometimes a woman can go out, but the abuser calls frequently and wants details of what she did and whom she spoke to.

I am aware that younger women today do not understand abuse. I want anyone who is reading this to understand that the problem, the crime is with the abuser and not you. Abusers can kill. But most victims get away and can begin again.

If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to a hotline. They will know where you can go. Taxi cab drivers often know where shelters are and if they see that you are abused, they will take you to one.

If anyone tells you that you need them,and can’t live without them, if they yell at you loudly and accompany the yelling with slaps, pushing, pinching arms and legs, then you need to get away from this person. You are not alone. There are many people who will help you and your children. Loving arms are here for you to support you and to give you back your life.

There are people who will help you.

There are people who will help you.

Real men don't hit women or children

Real men don’t hit women or children

Women there is help for you. Reach out and we are here.

Women there is help for you. Reach out and we are here.

Domestic Violence is a crime. You can’t beat a woman.