Domestic Violence is NEVER LEGAL


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Today we are following the video released by TMZ of Ray Rice cold-cocking his then-fiance. Documentation of the event has been all over the news. Ray Rice received a slap on the wrist when the story first broke, with a video showing Rice “only” dragging her out of the elevator, allowing her face to slam onto the floor. Today TMZ leaked the video from inside the elevator. Ray cold-cocked his fiance, knocking her out with a single punch, and this has made a difference.  The facts of the case — that he had knocked his fiance unconscious and dragged her out of the elevator like a piece of meat — are unchanged, but now that we’ve seen the actual punch, apparently outrage is suddenly justified.

 

Ray Rice has been terminated by the Ravens and the NFL has suspended him indefinitely. Is this enough? I think not.

 

Domestic Violence is found everywhere, at every social-economic level.  It matters not the color of the couple. There are women that you know how are victims of Domestic Violence. It could be your minister’s wife, the grad student’s girlfriend, the cop’s wife, the Senator’s wife. It can be your next door neighbor, you know the one, whose husband is so nice; he is charming and helpful. And he is an abuser. Your mailman may be beating his girlfriend. Your child’s favorite teacher could be a regular victim of vicious beatings. Beatings are often administered where clothes will cover the bruises.

 

Every nine seconds, a woman is abused. Abuse can be physical, emotional or mental; any or all of these are abuse. If you are living with slapping, punching, broken bones, head injuries, pushing, name calling, and threats to kill you, you are living with abuse. No woman “asks” to be beaten. Abusing men like to tell their victim that it is her own fault…but it isn’t.  Ever, no matter what the woman has “done” or been accused of doing, it is never her fault. Every abuser chooses to beat a woman and is responsible for his actions. I will say here that if a woman beats a man it is also a crime she is guilty of committing. 5% of men are abused but every nine seconds a woman is beaten.

 

Yes, women suffer. When I worked in Domestic Violence, one of my jobs was as a counselor. Stories told to me  included: the woman was beaten because the kids made too much noise; she was beaten because she couldn’t get the stain out of his shirt, or because dinner was late getting put on the table. Also, he doesn’t like dinner and many women have had his plate full of food smeared into her face. Yes, this is abuse.

 

When children watch this kind of behavior, they learn to be abusers and victims. Often sons carry a lot of guilt and anger for their mother because she doesn’t stop the violence. They very often go ahead and begin punching, pinching,  calling women names in high school. It frequently continues their entire lives.

 

I know of a mayor in a large city who has beaten three wives. He was an okay mayor but he was a demon to his wives. How do I know? I know because his wives came to one of the shelters I have worked with. We keep files on abusers. He was in it three times. Did he ever accept responsibility for his actions?  No, not at all. The wives were convinced not to press charges, so he was never forced to accept any consequences.

 

I did hear today, a prosecutor  stated that the law is now looking at abuse not just a women’s issue but as a crime against the community. I think this is a good thing. Why does abuse continue to be such a terrible and insidious part of life for women? Because the usual sentence is $1000 fine and 18 months in jail.

 

I am a spiritual person, but if you have been beaten, that is not God’s Will. It is a crime. There are places you can go for help. All communities have a Domestic Violence (DV) hotline. Shelters exist in most cities. Every taxi driver knows a DV shelter. Go, get help, start over. You do not deserve to live in violence. He always promises it will never happen again. It will. We had a program for counseling for the abusers. We found that a support group for the men worked best because they called each other on their lies and rationalizations.

 

If you are told that you need to forgive your abuser, to pray for him; if you are told you can’t leave because God requires you to stay in the sacred bond of marriage, you need to realize this is a lie, perpetuated by the men in power who want to keep women subservient. As a wife, you are not the property of your abuser.  He does not own you and the Divine does not want you to suffer. Leave, get into a shelter, believe in yourself, you can take care of yourself and your children.  If you think leaving will hurt your children, you will find that they will respect you much more if you protect yourself and them, and they may not end up as the abuser or the victim.

 

Anyone who says to stay in a relationship is possibly a batterer himself, or doesn’t really understand the issue or really doesn’t care about your well-being.

 

If your abuser threatens you with a weapon, even if he doesn’t use it, you need to realize that the chances are extraordinarily high that he will at some point and he will tell you it is your own fault that you are going to die.

 

I had a woman who was held at gunpoint for a solid 12 hours before the abuser fell asleep and she ran like the wolves of hell were after her. If he had awakened, he would have killed her. She made it to the shelter I worked at and we talked, cried, and held each other as she finally was able to tell her truth. I took pictures of her injuries for court and tucked her and her two children into a warm safe bed. Her face was streaked with tears, but she fell asleep immediately. I cried and prayed for her until the sun began to rise. Then I began to form her plan to go to court, to take care of her children and to take care of herself. We put her into temporary housing and helped her to find herself once again.  She got out.  You can, too

 

If you want more information go to NCADV.org. It is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and as I have done in the past, I will be writing about the issue all month.

 

Don’t ever let someone hit you. It is a crime. I will take comments and listen if anyone is in a abusive relationship. I will give you the best answer I can based on my education and experience. It would all be confidential. Praying is not enough. Praying is good, but you need human intervention and action, in addition.

 

Let  me help. Let others help.  Remember that you deserve help.

 

You deserve to live without violence.  Everyone deserves to live without violence.

 

 

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blackeye.jpg                                          There is never a reason to beat a woman, walk out, leave 

                                           don’t hit her.

 

 

 

 

End Violence in the Home

End Violence in the Home

 

You Can't Beat a Woman.

You Can’t Beat a Woman.

 

 

 

Domestic Violence Stats

Domestic Violence Stats – Cuts in Domestic Violence Support mean that more women and children will die at the hands of their abusers.

Abuse is a Crime


This is your opportunity to stop this subjection and ownership of the female gender

This is your opportunity to stop this subjection and ownership of the female gender

This is abuse

This is abuse

Abuse is part of the War on Women. The War is extensive and harsh. Today I want to talk about abuse. Women are abused here and around the world. Children are abused here and everywhere. 5% of American men are abused.

I helped to start a Women’s shelter in the 1970’s. It was started by Jewish, Catholic and Protestant women for women and children. It was a secular grass roots project and was run with lots of hard, sweaty, frustrating work. The first shelter was a rundown house because that is all we could get. We buried a penny in the tree lawn then rolled up sleeves and got to work.

We did not have assistance from police. More police are injured during domestic calls than any other type of call.We had a huge job ahead of us. The FBI statistics told us a woman was abused every nine seconds.

So what is abuse? There is emotional, mental and physical abuse. It does not matter if you know the abuser or not. It can happen on a date or when you get pregnant. You can be killed. Many women and children have lost their lives to Domestic Violence.

Slapping, kicking, pushing, spitting, blackened eyes, broken ribs, hair pulling, throwing things around, punching anywhere, are all forms of physical abuse. It often goes hand in hand with being called foul names, told you are ugly, stupid, you could never find another man. It includes being told you are nothing without him. Domestic Violence affects women from all portions of society — the poor and the wealthy, the college graduate and the high school dropout, wives and girlfriends of criminals, professors, policemen, factory workers, any woman can be abused.  Statistics show that, whoever you are, someone you know, right now, is being abused

An abused woman and her children need to leave and go into a shelter. Addresses are confidental. Women are there to counsel, take pictures, take you to a hospital. Shelters are a safe place where you won’t be judged. You will be helped and supported. It is the most important work I have ever done.

Often women stay in an abusive situation because they have no where to go. The abuser will isolate them from family and friends. Many will not allow the woman out alone. Sometimes a woman can go out, but the abuser calls frequently and wants details of what she did and whom she spoke to.

I am aware that younger women today do not understand abuse. I want anyone who is reading this to understand that the problem, the crime is with the abuser and not you. Abusers can kill. But most victims get away and can begin again.

If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to a hotline. They will know where you can go. Taxi cab drivers often know where shelters are and if they see that you are abused, they will take you to one.

If anyone tells you that you need them,and can’t live without them, if they yell at you loudly and accompany the yelling with slaps, pushing, pinching arms and legs, then you need to get away from this person. You are not alone. There are many people who will help you and your children. Loving arms are here for you to support you and to give you back your life.

There are people who will help you.

There are people who will help you.

Real men don't hit women or children

Real men don’t hit women or children

Women there is help for you. Reach out and we are here.

Women there is help for you. Reach out and we are here.

Domestic Violence is a crime. You can’t beat a woman.

What Women Want


This is a subject that has inspired books and movies. It is now a huge part of our 2012 Presidential election. Now, be assured that not all women want more rights. Some are happy and content being “owned” by the significant male in their life. But for those of us who are strong. capable and passionate, we want change. We don’t want to go back to the nineteenth century and we want to move forward.

Women want to be legally equal in 2013. We are the only citizens of the United States of America who are not equal legally. We want the government and men out of our bodies. We are capable of making choices that effect our reproduction and our health.

We want people to understand that rape is not legitimate. It has nothing to do with sex. It is completely about power and control. I cite the cases of eighty-five year old women and one year old babies being raped.

We want stronger laws protecting women and men from Domestic Violence. I worked in Domestic Violence in two states for over 25 years. A women does not have to live in fear. No one has the right to verbally abuse you. No one has the right to hit, slap, punch, kick, break your jaw, threaten your life or the lives of your children. There are shelters and helplines in almost every town and in every state. Call your local police for telephone numbers to receive shelter, food, counseling, legal assistance, moral support and caring attention.
At the shelter I helped to start we had a slogan, “You can’t beat a Woman.”

We want equal pay for equal work. Women who are doing the same job as a man are currently earning $.77 for every dollar a man earns. In the 1970’s, it was $.64 for every dollar a man earned. Yes, it is an improvement but a pathetic one.

Women want the world to know that women’s work counts. If a woman chooses to stay at home with her children she is just as worthy as a woman who goes out of the home to work. And if we go out to work, our work is as meaningful as a man’s work.

Women do not want to be viewed as second class citizens. We don’t want how we look, what size we wear, or how much plastic surgery we’ve had to matter more than our character, morals and intelligence.

We want the women in every country of the world to be free from honor killings, being sold into sexual slavery, from genital mutilation. We want every child, boy or girl in the world to be able to learn to read and write and to receive the medical care they require.

We want American insurance companies not to put caps on the health costs of human beings. We want every man, women, and child to receive the medical care and medication they need, even if they aren’t in the 1%. We want insurance companies to be forced not to tell doctors what medications they can prescribe and what treatments they can order.

We want the bullying that children are suffering at the hands of classmates to end. We want schools to be free of violence and hatred. Every time a child commits suicide due to bullying, we as a society, have failed them. Our hands are also bloody.

We want people to be able to love whomever they love. Love comes from the soul and souls don’t have gender. Souls just love and that love is no less beautiful than any other.

Please feel free to add things that I have not mentioned. I am happy to have your feedback. We need to create a better life for all women on this planet. If you don’t know much about feminism and would like more information, I suggest reading, Betty Friedan, The Feminine Mystique, Gloria Steinem. Revolution from Within, Robin Morgan, The Burning Times. I also suggest Lenore Walker and Alice Walker, Marge Piercy and Toni Morrison.

Alice Walker, author and feminist